Walls

"My reality is clearly defined by the fences put up around my mind.  I saw them thicken into walls over time.  Higher than any border line... And I asked when is the revolution?"  These are lyrics from a Brent Dennon song called I Asked When.  I've been thinking about the different aspects of walls over the last week and what to do with them.  Not literal walls but the metaphorical ones in out lives.  I guess I'd have to say in simplicity that some are good and some are bad.  Some need to stay in place and others torn down.  Another simple aspect of walls is that they're there for protection or defense.  They are usually there to keep something out more than to keep something in.  That leaves me in a quandary that just wont satisfy my pondering so I go deeper.

My first question would be why is that wall there or what caused me or someone else to feel the need to build the thing in the first place?  I find that most walls are built after a deep wound and are there to keep whatever or whoever caused the wound from ever being able to get close enough to hurt us again.  Before I go further let me be clear that in this place I'm not talking about boundaries that are good and healthy.  I'm talking about the ones that come from something like a divorce, or abandonment, or some type of abuse, be it verbal or physical.  Those are the walls that I'm looking at right now.  I just came back from a weekend that was all about the tearing down of those kind of walls and have spent the better part of the last five years of my life tearing down the walls in my life.  I am awestruck at the amount of walls that I've encountered over the years that were instigated from one Christian to another.  Aren't we the ones that are supposed to be the living breathing examples of God's love to one another?  Wasn't that one of the commandments... wasn't that the one that Jesus said that all the commandments hung on?  What in Hell's honor are we doing to one another?  Can we continue this trend and ever be the shining city on a hill that Father hoped we'd be?  As I begin to consider the walls of wounding then I can't just stop there and say shame on us for building the walls... I have to plunge ahead to dig into the cause of so many walls in the lives of the people I love and know.  How many of those walls have I caused to be built?  I have to begin with personal responsibility or I'll never be able to see those walls come down.  That is the goal right?  To see the walls come down and relationships healed and restored.  That's what it always been about to God.  He wants a healed wall free kingdom where we dwell in peace with one another because we are all considering others more highly than ourselves.  Utopia isn't what I'm talking about where all things are perfect because the only thing recorded in the Bible as impossible is for us to live in relationships without causing offenses. It just can't happen.  Our problem is that when we do or are offended we seldom ever deal with it so it becomes the first brick in the wall being built between that person and ourself.  Then another offense comes so we add another brick and so on until that relationship is walled off.  I know that seems to keep the pain away but more than that is begins to isolate us from the vital relationships God has for us.

One thing that has greatly helped me in the tearing down of my walls is that of Identifying my core fears.  These are deep seated and very real.  Most of my walls have been built around the fear of being invalidated. I know others who's walls are around failure or abandonment...etc. Dr. Gary Smalley has put out a great book called The DNA Of Relationships where he talks about a whole list of core fears and how to deal with them.  The simple process of this happens when someone makes me feel invalid... like I don't even matter.  When I feel that way I usually lash out in anger, which is always a secondary emotion and predominately secondary to fear, at the other person which how I don't know but usually hits their core fear dead center and they react back at me in kind.  So we go round and round getting more and more wounded by one another with the outcome being a wall.  That's where personal responsibility has to come in... someone has to break that cycle.  Sadly this seldom ever happens and a relationship is torn apart.  I have watched this scenario play out many times in my life and in the lives of those around me.  Again... what in Hell's honor are we doing to each other?  Will we ever grow up enough to break the cycle?  God help us!!!!

How many walls are in my life?  What about in your life?  I've made a decision that I'm going to tear them down in my life so that I can be a more healed, whole person that lives in deep covenant relationship with others.  I need the gifts, experiences, encouragement, and wisdom they have in their possession and whether they know it or not they need mine.  It's the way God made us... It's the way He meant it to be.  How do I know?  Genesis 2:18: The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone... That's pretty clear.  Not a lot of room for argument.  We are not made to be alone yet know more than any other time in history, even though we have the most communicative technology ever, people say they feel absolutely alone.  Why?  Fear of being hurt!  Though I have my heart crushed again and again... I will yet rise up to love again and again.  The joy of relationship far outweighs the pain caused by them.  We have a saying, "NO PAIN, NO GAIN".  Nothing more true could be said of being in relationship.  So, what will you do with your walls?  begin to tear them down, leave them alone, build them higher?  The choice is ours and ours alone to make.

The Beauty of Frustration

I'm so frustrated!!! I just feel this tension inside my being like something is getting ready to change and I don't know what it is.  I'm just not in a comfortable place in my life and I don't know why.  These are a few of the statements I've heard over the last few weeks from different people in different places... I've even had the thoughts rolling around in my head and heart lately.  When I find myself in this place then I began to search back through my database of experiences to see if I can find a lesson or some application that will help bring back a measure of comfort and seeming sanity to my life.  One lesson that I've heard and learned and was reminded of the other night while watching the movie Cars was, "If you want to know where you're going then look where you've been."  At first glance that seems just as confusing as the frustration I'm feeling now, but as I simplify it then I find that it brings a lot of peace to my heart about what's going on in my life. 

I am surprised by how I have a pattern to my life... a circle, if you will, that I go around and around in my life.  No matter what my geographical location I see the same pattern in affect.  At first I saw this as bad and something that needed to be broken or changed, but I have come to have a different perspective on it the last few times around.  That brings out another nugget that I have to keep in mind as I feel this frustration... "My perception is my reality."  How I perceive things to be is how they are to me no matter what others think or say.  I can change my perception though and in that my view of this frustration begins to change and take on a beauty.  Back to my circle thought.  As I viewed this as something wrong and  in need of changing I was always in a state of frustration.  I saw that as something that was hindering me from being the best me that I could be instead of realizing it was there to help me become just that.  My pattern as I now see it is my sphere of influence... its part of my purpose... my destiny... however you think of it.  It's where I have a measure of authority, understanding, and influence.  I find that as I have embraced this perspective I notice that I have aligned myself with others that are older and wiser than myself that move in a similar pattern and they have become a life coach to me.  I also realize that others have done this with me.  So I realize a truth about life... I am always a student and a teacher at the same time.

So how does all this help with that frustration?  As I look at the whole instead of the immediate then I see that my frustration has always been about my growth.  It's what brings me to a place of new and deeper understanding of an aspect of the circle or sphere of my life and the journey I'm on.  I also see another aspect to this... that I am in the near future going to be able to help someone else get through a similar spot of frustration because I've walked there before and I can see the terrain with eyes of hindsight instead of foresight. I also know and realize the people in my life that are able to give me the same help and I embrace that fact.  In fact I search for those people.  We've all heard the saying, "hindsight is 20/20."  I don't know if its that good but it does enable us to see more clearly.  So as I find myself in that place of frustration again and again I can have peace in that because I am going to grow through it and be a better me than I was which is what this journey of life is about.  Growing up... maturing.  Church lingo aside... its the natural pattern of life in all things.  I don't have to see this frustration as a destination or a place that I'll always be in because its not about the destination of it, but rather the step it becomes to allow me to go higher than I've ever gone before. 

We love the views from the mountain top.  I know this by my own experience and I also work on a mountain that overlooks a valley with Petit Jean Mountian as a back drop.  One hundred percent of the people that come there love that view!  There has never been an exception to that.  This one is an easy one to get to because it requires very little personal work to get there.  You can drive a car to the front of the lodge and walk out on the back deck and there it is.  If people had to climb that mountain the number that get to enjoy that view would greatly diminish because of the effort required to attain the reward.  I see here a great analogy to the frustration in my life.  I really want to see the view from a higher place but I really don't want to have to work to get there.  Too bad!  If I want the treasure I have to dig for it.  I have to make the investment or the reward doesn't mean as much to me.  When I embrace the frustration I am feeling and determine that I'll put forth the effort to make the change in my life its pushing me towards then I not only achieve the vista but I enjoy it more and am able to guide others there in the future.  It becomes mine... I have owned that experience and will always be able to draw from it as a reminder to myself and a help to others.  That's what this whole thing is about anyway... being the best me I can be and helping others in their journey to the same.

I encourage you to embrace the times of frustration and shift your perspective to see it as a time of growth rather than something that's going to crush you.

Judgment Sucks!

I've been thinking about judgment the last few days.  I was reading through the posts on FB and came across one that brought me back to a determination I’d come to several years ago that is a part of everything we do.  The thought is simple… “Judgment Sucks!”  The statement itself reveals the absolute seemingly unavoidable cycle of it all because to make the statement is in itself a judgment and the cycle is repeated again and again.  I’m going to share several thoughts on this dilemma and see where I end up.

The first thought that has made itself more and more clear to me over the years it that I am simply not equipped to judge.  For a judgment to be fair it has to be based solely on truth.  That’s where the problem begins… I at all times only have a limited understanding of truth.  I can’t see the whole picture from where I am.  So from that viewpoint all my judgment is off to begin with.  To compound the dilemma I usually find that we don’t even consider the amount of truth we do have in making a judgment.  The majority of our judgments are grounded and released from our feelings of the situation we are judging.  What I mean is that if I like something or it makes me feel good then I predominantly will judge it as good or right, but if I don’t like it or it makes me feel bad it’s bad or wrong.  The post that brought this thought back around was on smoking outside a café.  In AR there is no smoking in public establishments… but outside its usually fair game.  A person was sitting outside wanting to enjoy the fresh air and someone else was sitting outside to enjoy a smoke… So who’s right and who’s wrong?  The responses that were posted fell in the feeling category.  They were all based on the likes of dislikes of the person making the post.  I know there are probably a lot of experiences, memories…etc that drive those feelings or emotions but the bottom line is the judgment flowed from that stream.  Some hate smoking because of the suffering of a loved one due to lung cancer while others have the experience that it gives them a headache… those are examples of what I mean. 

So why would I say or “judge” this as a dilemma?  I’ll tell ya… When I really dig in and get to the point of being honest with myself then I end up at this place… When I make a judgment like this I am shirking my personal responsibility in the situation.  What I’m really perturbed about is that my comfort is being inhibited by the actions of another and “I’m” really upset that “they” won’t change “their” behavior to ensure “my” comfort.   You see I really like feeling good and being comfortable but I also don’t like having to do the work to maintain that comfort because that doesn’t feel good and I have to endure being uncomfortable for a time to reestablish my comfort.  Now that we’re getting into the pattern this brings as a dilemma… which sadly when I type this out becomes a judgment.  Oh the condition of we humans!  It’s easier and more comfortable for others to make a change than it is for me.  In the post that started this rolling through my mind, the question that begs to be asked is, “If you didn’t like the smoke then why not move somewhere else?”  That would be in fact taking personal responsibility in the situation… even if I was there first.  I’m the one with the dislike… not the person smoking.  Because he or she has in fact taken some level of personal responsibility in this matter in that he or she really wanted to smoke and couldn’t do it inside so they endured the discomfort in order to obtain a level of comfort.   That’s a question that usually ushers in the emotion of anger thus revealing another side to this whole process.  When I am angered then I have made it impossible to make a balanced judgment because I’ve lost my balance.  It also points out a human tendency we often like to dismiss about ourselves.  We are selfish!  Now that sucks, right… can’t we butter this up where it doesn’t make us look so bad or immature?  We could but that would bring the circle back around to where we are shirking personal responsibility.  None of us like to be judged and in general don’t really like this whole circle when we’re confronted with it but usually will not take our part of the responsibility to stop it.  I could go on and on with the different examples and one would surely apply to us all on numerous occasions but the fact of the matter is I’m getting tired of typing and your probably thinking I need to be doing something else so I’ll bring this to a close and leave the rest for you to ponder through. 

There is a statement made in a book that I really love that reminds me that I should consider others more highly than I consider myself.  Think of the revolution that would occur with the adoption of this concept into our lives and situations.  This is personal responsibility on steroids, but brings a joy to life that few ever find.  My hope and goal for myself is to let people be themselves.  To stop trying to bend them into the person I think they should be or manipulating them to act like I think they should act and learn to appreciate and enjoy them for the amazing person they are.  If I don’t like what I see, the change is mine to make because I am responsible for me and that’s it!